Tag: Pema chodron

The Sweetness of Release.

I once had a friend who experienced a very difficult time. In the time span of just one month, she had lost both husband and father to a devastating illness.

In the months to follow, she withdrew from the world. The pain of accepting sympathy from others was just too much to bear.

“I don’t want to be reminded,” she once said. “I want the pain to go away. How can I ever let it go, if I’m presented with the memory each day?”

Bit by bit, she retreated further into herself. At first, the holidays went uncelebrated. Following, she stopped accepting calls. Until one day, when she ultimately refused to leave her house.

Oh, how I begged for her one day at the door. “I can’t,” she cried, through a slit in the door. “It’s just…too big.”

Oh, my goodness – haven’t we all, at some time, felt this way? That the circumstances surrounding our ‘just being human’ were far too big to live in peace?

And, haven’t we all made a hasty life’s retreat? Compelled to hide from the pain of this world, and forgetting…

It’s the pain in the heart that most needs our mending.

But, that’s human nature – now, isn’t it? Pulling away at that first wince of pain – hoping to avoid any further ‘fallout.’

“We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem,” writes Pema Chödrön, “but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”

In an attempt to unburden our pain, we actually takes steps to fortify it. We reinforce old patterns, and hang our hats on it never going away. It’s our ‘monster in the closet’, so to speak – and just as we did when we were so very small – it’s easier to hide beneath the covers, then take a look with the lights yet so dim.

But, inevitably, through our looking in – we find our peace. The eternal bliss, our one sure shot at absolute happiness.
It’s within these moments we realize, that the true sweetness in life lies within our release.

 

Sometimes the Crisis Is the Healing. {Pema Chödrön}

“To stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge—that is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic—this is the spiritual path.” ~ Pema Chödrön

Boy, that’s the trick, now isn’t it? To find peace in our hearts even in those moments intended to topple us to our knees. To find strength within our hopelessness. To find faith, when we’ve lost our willingness to believe.

We may see these moments as our spiritual ‘test’—but, aren’t they really, at heart, our own spiritual awakening?

“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.”~ Rumi

To which, some may challenge, ‘easier said, than done.’

Because, being silently drawn is often much simpler—when it is, that life tucks cleanly out of our way.

We are somewhat ‘programmed’ aren’t we? To solve any issues that may come our way. We spend hours contemplating each what if scenario—but fewer less moments, coming nearer to the real truth of our understanding.

Not everything is meant to be solved. Sometimes these moments are intended to be our teachers.

“Things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.” ~ Pema Chödrön

Life is just this way. Sometimes the ‘crisis is the healing.’

And fear, is often the ‘vanguard to courage.’

Video: Pema Chödrön: The Nature of Fear and Fearlessness

The Paths We Choose to Keep.

[blockquote source=”Pema Chödrön”]“Remind yourself, in whatever way is personally meaningful, that it is not in your best interest to reinforce thoughts and feelings of unworthiness. Even if you’ve already taken the bait and feel the familiar pull of self-denigration, marshal your intelligence, courage, and humor in order to turn the tide. Ask yourself: Do I want to strengthen what I’m feeling now? Do I want to cut myself off from my basic goodness? Remind yourself that your fundamental nature is unconditionally open and free.” [/blockquote]

I was inspired by a quote from Pema Chödrön this morning – a reminder, that in whatever capacity of our being, our truest nature is to be free.

So much so, that we inherently yearn for it – this vast, open space of feeling completely relieved. We crave the simplicity of an unencumbered life, disentangled from the same old habits which are keeping us from our freedom.

And though, mindful of our longings – still we succumb to these patterns of emotional reactivity, metaphorically ‘raising our voice’, when our simple wish is to understand.

So, how do we stay centered in those moments when our ‘being human’ threatens to pull us away? Certainly, there’s no avoiding this volatility of life. And yet, we cautiously ‘hug the banks’ of a river that is continuously changing. Perhaps, too fearful that we might be swept away.

We watch as the waters shift…forcing new path where the ground crumbles in. We may feel apprehensive and uncertain; perhaps, unwilling to watch as new patterns emerge…terrified to let go of all that we’ve ever known.

But, isn’t it in these moments of stretching past our limits that we finally discover a little something worthwhile?

As Ani Pema says, “It’s as if we are always at a crossroad, continuously choosing which way to go. Moment by moment we can choose to go toward further clarity and happiness or toward confusion and pain.”

In the end, my dearest darlings, it’s all about which paths we choose to keep. One takes us nearer to happiness, and the other…pulls us away.

And, we alone must ultimately walk that path.

 

Making Patience Our Practice.

[blockquote source=”Christina Feldman”]”When our eyes and hearts are open, we glimpse buddhanature shining in countless moments.”[/blockquote]

I watched a young woman in line for coffee today – well dressed, and ready for work, with blackberry firmly strapped to her hand. At just 6:30 a.m., she was already engaged in a heated ‘planning’ session.

She was waiting for her drink order – a Grande Spiced Pumpkin Latte, double espresso, with extra whipped cream. As the moments passed, I could see her anxiety building – at first, the familiar pinch of restlessness, growing quickly to the burden of haste.

And though, it was only a matter of a few moments – to her, the delay was intolerable. She was so caught up in the energy of irritation that she missed the most precious little girl tugging at her skirt,

“Mommy, are you mad?” she asked.

Sometimes, we’re so eager to move onto the next big thing – that we end up missing the blessing in this moment now. As author Tara Brach so eloquently stated, ” If this is our habitual reaction to delay, we are at war with many of our life moments.”

Indeed, in our haste to move forward – we lose touch with life’s much simpler things. We shut down, close off, constrict – all, in an effort to pull away from life’s edginess.

To be patient, we must learn not to escalate our emotions…something, much easier said than done.

You know, the other day I was so very proud of my darling daughter – who called me on her walk home from work.

“Mom, you have to see the sky tonight!” she chattered on excitedly – as if seeing a sunset for the very first time.

Impatience can be such a terrible thief, my darlings – robbing us of the miracle of all those ‘first times.’

Perhaps, we might learn to make patience our practice? Instead of rushing so quickly forward into that next big thing?

To Pay Attention is Our Greatest Work.

[blockquote]“To pay attention, this is our endless and proper work.” – Mary Oliver[/blockquote]

My darlings, do you see it?

There against the pale stone wall, a seedling has finally realized its bloom.

Taking such care to turn its ‘face’ towards the light, and bask in its life-giving glory.

Under the right conditions the bloom shall flourish. But, absent this balance – too much of one thing, for example – and, even the strongest of bloom will wither away.

Perhaps, in this there’s a lesson to be learned?

That is to say, much like the bloom we need this balance to grow – that we might, in some way, better awaken to this world.

[blockquote source=”Pema Chodron”]The great fourteenth-century Tibetan teacher Longchenpa talked about our useless and meaningless focus on the details, getting so caught up we don’t see what is in front of our nose. He said that this useless focus extends moment by moment into a continuum, and days, months, and even whole lives go by. Do you spend your whole time just thinking about things, distracting yourself with your own mind, completely lost in thought? I know this habit so well myself. It is the human predicament. It is what the Buddha recognized and what all the living teachers since then have recognized. This is what we are up against…

You get so caught up in the content of your life, the minutiae that make up a day, so self-absorbed in the big project you have to do, that the blessings, the magic, the stillness, and the vastness escape you. [/blockquote]

So, what do you think, my dears?

 

Taming the Wild Horse Mind.

[dropcap background=”yes” color=”#333333″ size=”50px”]T[/dropcap]here is a Zen story about a person  sitting on a horse, galloping wildly through the woods. When suddenly, he finds himself at a crossroads.

“Where are you going?” a stranger calls out to him.

“I don’t know,” he replies, “ask the horse!”

Sometimes, I feel this is our situation – that the horse is our mind galloping aimlessly away, while we do our very best to hold on. But, that’s the nature of the horse, now isn’t it? Unbridled, it wishes only for the freedom of those wide-open fields.

Indeed, where are we going?

Thích Nhất Hạnh describes this as the energy of our habits – an often unrelenting force that leaves us feeling powerless to change.”We are always running,” he offers, “and it has become a habit. We struggle all the time, even during our sleep.”

My goodness, isn’t this the truth? How easily our minds race recklessly off, before we’ve even settled upon our way forward.

If only we might learn to tame our ‘wild horse’ mind…

Of course, the first step is to be mindful of those moments when we’re being swept away. Typically, we’re made away of this when our intense emotions begin to get the better of us. Feelings such as, rage, jealousy and fear – which can either send us flailing off, or begin to open us to the direct experience of awakening.

To do so, we must be willing to be open to our truest human experience – to be fully present in this moment now, without the need for judgement or commentary. To experience this life, without the habit of elaboration – my darlings, this is how we begin to tame that wild horse mind.

I don’t remember who it was that said, if you want to become more mindful – take note of your reactions. Our reactions, though unpleasant at times, can become an invaluable tool for insight.

“Somebody says a mean word to you and then something in you tightens.,” offers Pema Chodron, “Then it starts to spiral into low self-esteem, or blaming them, or anger at them, denigrating yourself. And maybe if you have strong addictions, you just go right for your addiction to cover over the bad feeling that arose when that person said that mean word to you.”

My darlings, it’s precisely in these first few moments of ‘mind racing off’ – that we have the greatest capacity to effect a change. After all, a horse galloping at full speed is much harder to reign in.

Through something as simple as being aware of our reactions, my darlings – we can begin to tame this wild horse mind.

Namaste, and much love today.

Chasing After the Light.

[blockquote source=”Pema Chödrön”]”There comes a time when the bubble of ego is popped and you can’t get the ground back for an extended period of time.Those times, when you absolutely cannot get it back together, are the most rich and powerful times in our lives.”[/blockquote]

My darlings, this teaching came to mind earlier week when my daughter experienced a terrible upset. In that moment, she was overwhelmed with emotion – and uncertain of her ‘way forward.’

It can feel particularly unsettling to be ripped from the security of our comfort zone. But, it’s precisely within these moments – of fear, of upset, and uncertainty – that we are presented the greatest potential to change.

And, what we must always remember – is that within each of these moments, there *is* a gift.

The gift of understanding…

The gift of knowing…

The gift of empowerment and resilience…

And, perhaps the greatest gift of all ~ that of being able to move a little closer to self.

I like to think that with each earth shattering, catastrophic unsettledness ~ that the most hardened parts of our ego, experience the greatest ‘softening.’

And, in the end… isn’t that the most miraculous aspect of our journey? That even within the darkest of moments, a little light *always* finds its way through.

So, stop chasing after that light, my darlings ~ don’t you know it’s been right there within you, all along?

Namaste, my dears ~ and much love on this most glorious day.

The Best Question You Could Ever Ask.

[blockquote source=”Buddha”]”There is no path to happiness. Happiness is the path. [/blockquote]

I read the most beautiful passage this morning, from author Pema Chodron – in which she discusses our propensity for being bothered…for letting the simple things get ‘under our skin.’

“The only time you can find out you’re in a prison,” she offers, “is when you’re upset. When you get all heated, when you find yourself quarreling with someone about anything because you want it your way.

And, they’re wrong… and, you’re right.”

We’ve all had these moments, haven’t we? The room is too hot, or that guy over there just won’t shut up. We become so easily distressed, torn and diminished.

Though, instead of looking at this as an opportunity to heal, we become immersed in the energy of the moment…lock-stepped in the pattern of our emotional habits.

Instead of leaning in, we avert.

Have we become so conditioned that everything must follow form to expectation? That when things don’t go our way, we feel a sense of loss?

Or, worse yet – that we may feel, inadequate…or that, in some way, we have failed.

Why must we personalize the very moment that transformation might begin? As, in doing so – we’re only making room for judgement to take its hold.

We instinctively look for the cause of our unsettledness – it’s their problem, or my problem. There’s just no end.

We cast and/or accept blame just as easily as we change our shoes.

Sit for a minute, my darlings – be patient. What is this moment really trying to share with you? And, then ask yourself, as Pema encourages:

“Do I want to strengthen what I’m feeling now?”

When you become open to this simple question – my darlings, I promise you…your whole life will change.

“Actually, this is the juice of the spiritual path. When you begin to get stubborn and opinionated and righteously indignant and hot under the collar…and panicked that things aren’t going your way. That’s the only way you know.

That’s the only way you know that you’re making yourself unhappy, (that) you’re imprisoning yourself.” – Pema Chodron

Indeed, perhaps the most important question you might ever ask is,

“Is this the life I choose for myself?”

Are You Living Your Life, or Living Your Distractions?

[blockquote source=”Pema Chödrön”]”We find we’re very threatened most by nothing happening.” [/blockquote]

I once attended a lecture on the topic of distractions.

Ironically, I had found my way there fidgeting my way out of a mindfulness lecture three doors down.

sigh…I wasn’t always the most attentive of students. It seemed my capacity to learn was continuously challenged by my ability to stay. But, for some reason this particular lecture peaked my interest.

On a placard just outside the door, was written a single word – ‘dunzie.’

“Ooh, Italian…” I thought, as I forced my way through. Isn’t it strange how easily our attention is captured?

By the title, I assumed this to be a discussion on ‘closure’ – a play on the word ‘done-zo.’ Oh, how quickly I would come to realize otherwise. Dunzie, you see, is the Tibetan word for ‘distraction’ ~ and this lecture, was intended to show our addictions to them.

As my eyes adjusted to the dimmed conference lighting, I could finally begin to make sense of my surroundings – a sea of smiling faces, resting upon their pillows.

“Oh, crap – they’re meditating,” I thought to myself. Immediately, I turned to run – but the door behind me, had already locked into place.

As silly as this may sound, the idea of being alone with my thoughts was quite literally terrifying. I had a love/hate relationship with my ‘inner dialogue’ – which, at times, was uplifting and friendly; while, at other times, it was my most brutal enemy.

“Hey, what’s the rush? Someplace better you’d rather be?” My eyes focused to a large man, lumbering towards the door.

“Oh, I must be in the wrong place…” I stammered, still looking for my great escape.

“Well, clearly you are,” he chuckled. And, with a knowing, slightly intimidating sort of wink – he handed me a pillow, “Go on now, why not stay a while.”

That was nearly 6 years ago, and probably the first time I wasn’t permitted an easy way out with my feelings.

I had just experienced the loss of one of my dearest friends, an unexpected tragedy determined to dredge through the very depths of my spirit.

And, I wasn’t ready for that.

Death is often the darkest of our shadows, carrying with it feelings of uncertainty, fear and anger. Likewise, and by the very nature of its abruptness, it forces us to come face to face with the harshness of our new reality.

Something I had been avoiding since the moment I first learned of my dear friend’s passing.

Facing the honesty of our emotions – without the benefit of veils and filters – can be an absolutely overwhelming experience.

Pema Chödrön once likened it to being stuck on a Greyhound bus for three days with someone you didn’t like. With each stop, we are gleeful that we might finally be free of them…

Though, inevitably they’re always there waiting for us back on that ‘bus.’

In many ways, our emotions can force this same sense of dread. I often laugh thinking of Ani Pema’s face pressed firmly to bus window, desperately scanning for her first opportunity to flee.

Oh, how many times I’ve been there myself.

You see, the moment something becomes unpleasant or uncomfortable, we begin our escape. And, we do so by falling into the habit of our own distractions.

Hey, anything to keep the mind from going deeper still – right?

But, this emotional slight of hand can prove to be a double-edged sword.

Whether we’re relaxing in front of a droning TV screen, or taking our minds off of things with an after work drink ~ the end result is that we’re pulling away from the very thing we must inevitably face –

The absolute truth in the very essence of our being.

Who are you, and what do you really feel?

Pull away those layers, my loves – and honestly ask yourselves –

“Am I living my life, or simply living my distractions?”

In one, you’ll find the soul-filling purpose of discovery – and in the other, you’ll find the twisted roots of regret.

The Mosquito in the Room.

[blockquote source=”Pema Chodron”]”It isn’t the things that are happening to us that cause us to suffer, it’s what we say to ourselves about the things that are happening. That’s where the suffering comes from.[/blockquote]

I was feeling rather distressed the other day. A matter at work had bubbled over, and in the process, completely usurped my overall sense of well-being.

I was angered by the prejudice of the situation, and hurt by the unfair choices which were subsequently made.

People are always a little put off in learning of my upset. My nature is generally one of calm demeanor, however, every once in a while…something triggers me.

It’s a wretched feeling, isn’t it? To be nearly ‘swallowed whole’ by the uncertainty of these chest-tightening circumstances?

And, it can happen at any given moment, too – someone criticizes you, or they disagree with what you have to say. How does it feel? And, more importantly, what is your response?

For many of us, these situations evoke a terribly uncomfortable feeling. Our instinct, is to deflect..to defend..to force distance between…but, it never really goes away until we’ve had our moment to sit with it.

There is a Tibetan word to describe this impulse – ‘shenpa’ – which, loosely translated means ‘hooked.’ It’s intended to describe our tendency to shut down just as we’re being triggered, to go no further into that which we very much need to explore.

Shenpa has a ‘stickiness’ about it.  Like the gum at the bottom of our ‘spiritual shoe’, it is undeniably present within our every step.

Shhttck…shhttck…shhttck….

Isn’t it amazing how one minor annoyance can build to such an overwhelming rage? Shenpa is the proverbial mosquito in the room – incessant in its attempts to pull us farther from self.

And, we will go to any lengths to relieve our discomfort. But, the relief is generally short-lived – as, we fall back into those very same habits that caused our suffering in the first place.

In his book “The Myth Of Freedom”, Tibetan teacher, Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche makes a clear delineation between pain and suffering.

“We all experience negativity-the basic aggression of wanting things to be different than they are. We cling, we defend, we attack, and throughout there is a sense of one’s own wretchedness, and so we blame the world for our pain. This is negativity. We experience it as terribly unpleasant, foul-smelling, something we want to get rid of.

But if we look into it more deeply, it has a very juicy smell and is very much alive. Negativity is not bad per se, but something living and precise, connected with reality.”

In other words, all emotions, including negativity – can become our most powerful tool. And, within each feeling – a potentially invaluable lesson.

[blockquote source=”Pema Chödrön'”]”What we really need to do is address things just as they are. Learning to recognize shenpa teaches us the meaning of not being attached to this world.”[/blockquote]

It’s when we learn to stay with our own adversity – to not be so quick to run away, that we finally begin to grow.